Victim Triangle

Victim: Comes from the child point of view. Help me, hold me, solve my problem. Is very good at getting parental attention. While being the victim does not take personal responsibility nor is proactive at solving one’s won problem, may create problems where no problems exists just to play the victim.

Rescuer: Comes from the parent point of view. Helps, holds, solves the problem. Is called to action and feels needed by the presence of a victim. May create victims where no victim exists just to be the rescuer.

Prosecutor: Comes from the parent roll. Fulfills the rescue triangle and is a bridge for either the child who does not want to take action for her self and turns on the rescuer with blame, "you didn’t help me enough", "you owe me more", etc., forcing the rescuer into the victim roll, or is a bridge for the frustrated rescuer who moves over time into the persecutor roll, "you got yourself into this mess", "you aren’t even trying" keeping the victim in victim status or pushing emerging persecutor back into victim status.

Key here: All roles are trapped. Rescuers are as dysfunctional as the victims because they need to have crisis to feel needed, gain authority, or to be "who they are". Rescuers will often build large complex building block structures to mask their real need for crisis because crisis is where "their special skills are most needed."

This triangle is very powerful because the victim may appear to want help, but has not asked for help, and soon resents the help and then through the resentment can turn on the rescuer and become the prosecutor.

The alternative to this triangle is an adult who encounters another adult who says, "I am having a hard time and would be willing to do 60% of the lifting if you could just help me out with the couch. In exchange I would like to cook you dinner." The second adult avoids victim status, is responsible for the problem and understands that to remain OK and to avoid victim status must compensate the other adult in some equal meaningful way.

How to keep the process adult - adult. Make sure the potential victim asks for help, then make a contract on how the help will be delivered in a way that both parties are honored.

Victim calls and says: I am so out of control I will just kill myself.
Adult responds: I hope that you do not do that, how can I help?
Victim: I am so out of control I am going to kill my kids and myself
Adult: You called me for some reason; I hope you don’t do those things, what do you want from me?
Victim-Adult: I don’t know, I suppose I just want to talk
Adult: I am willing to talk if you agree to call a friend and invite her to the movies and get out of the house immediately after we are done.
Victim-Adult: Ok, I am feeling scared and I could sure use a friend right now so I promise to do that.
Adult: What has triggered these feelings...

Since this contract did not compensate adult 1, then after adult 1, has helped adult 2, adult 1 can ask adult 2 for a simple act of service to keep adult 2 in the adult roll.

Adult: I am glad you are feeling better. Now remember you have to stick around because I am really looking forward to some of the tomatoes that you grow.
Victim-Adult: Thanks so much for listening, I do not know what came over me, and as for those tomatoes, you can count on it.

This final gesture keeps the other off the hook.

Once you have an agreement with compensation in place then both parties can remain adults.

Keep in mind that new agreements and new rolls are break in the old agreement and old rapport. The party who breaks an agreement or rapport must be responsible for brining the new agreements into play and maintaining rapport.

Making new upfront agreements is easiest when the emotional charge is far away.

We also discussed love gifts: Love gifts are gifts with no strings attached. If you have any connection at all to a love gift then it is not a love gift... it is a manipulation. If you cannot give a love gift then make an upfront agreement so that both parties are honored.

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Larry Farris is a White House trained sales and persuasion coach.